N The triad
Firstly, welcome. "Welcome" so to speak; maybe it'd be more appropriate to write:
Do leave any hope, you entering.
("Divina Commedia", Inferno, Canto III, v. 9)
LongAgony.com triad is made up of three different parts that are connected in a sort of dark path towards knowledge, from life to death and beyond.
Life, death, and afterlife correspond to The Socialclock, The Deathclock and The Destinyclock respectively. Below you can find the details about the three forms, while links and instructions are at the bottom in this page.
After each test you can create and print your own "official certificate", which contains the verdict and a few more interesting things. You can keep them with you, show them to the ones you want to annoy, or burn them to light up the fire.
Fasten your seatbelts, your longest journey is about to begin. Good luck to everybody.
With sadistic affection and a wicked grin,
the LongAgony.com staff.
 N I – The Socialclock (life)
We live in a hypercompetitive society, in which who is not in is automatically out. You have to run, confront, always give the best... or lie apart, not participating, not integrating, being overwhelmed or, worse, overwhelming others, breaking the rules of the civil world and thus putting yourself on the side of threats against society, dangers to be blocked and annihilated.
Paraphrasing John Fitzgerald Kennedy (or general Patton): don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country! How useful are you to the society? Are you an active part of it, or rather a hardly-tolerated load? What's your place in the social pyramid? Are you among the ignoble bandits, the execrable amoebas, the useless folks, or the praiseworthy hard workers?
This is the aim of The Socialclock: answer a few questions about yourself, your occupations and your lifestyle, and the final judgment will be carried out...
N II – The Deathclock (death)
Who has never wished to know the day he or she is going to die?
Think about the considerable advantages: you might be able to plan your life, knowing exactly how much time is left to complete what you want or have to do, to decide what's worth being done and what's not, to enjoy the best way possible every single day of your existence, knowing that they are not unlimited... For example: if you knew you were about to die within a couple of months, would you renew your (pretty much expensive) subscription to Playboy? Would you pay taxes? Would you go to work? Would you save up money? Would you begin restructuring your house? Or would you instead get away in a cruise around the world with your lover, going for the uttermost enjoyment, squandering your every cent? Would you worry about smoking, drinking, dieting, avoiding madness, etc.? These are just a few examples!
Here's the intent of The Deathclock: to calculate in a scientific and statistically reliable way, based on the answers given by the subject to certain questions, his or her date of death.
No trick and no hoax: The Deathclock has been produced with the cooperation of many accredited biologists, physicians, statisticians, as well as psychologists and existentialist philosophers. Just a stunt? Not at all. Among the several prestigious acknowledgments received, we like to mention the attestation issued by IIMI (International Institute for Mental Insanity), the prize "Most useless utility" of 2006, the Ignobel for Biology 2005, as well as the certification of reliability issued by NBG (National Body of Gravediggers) and the diploma honoris causa obtained from UNI (Union of International Necrophiliacs). Hence a internationally renowned reliable, trustworthy and extraordinarily accurate method: the predictions operated by The Deathclock have so far never failed*.
So what are you, microscopic underdimensioned flea living in a infinite Universe that gladly disregards all of your pitiful and tragicomic misadventures, waiting before finding out when the cruel Fate has decided to put the word "end" on your miserable existence, letting you painfully depart this deserted planet to reach the atrocious Hades you deserve? Your curiosity can't avoid sipping from the source of scabrous knowledge, can't avoid meeting with destiny. Are you ready to write down a cross in your agenda, on the day Fate has established for you?
* The actual meaning of the word "never" may vary.
 N III – The Destinyclock (afterlife)
The third and last module of the triad is a new, powerful and valuable program: the Clock of Destiny, or Destinyclock.
Its goal is to predict, again in a mathematical and scientifically reliable way, what kind of destiny awaits the ones who have already learnt the date when they are going to kick the bucket, after their death.
Is a "better life" lying ahead of you? It will of course depend on how you behaved during your mortal life: if you've been good, honest, judicious and respectful, the golden gates of Heaven are going to open for you; otherwise, if you express all of your instincts and weaknesses without control, you are going to be (deservedly) destined to Hell.
What are you waiting before learning what's in store for you after your death?
N Instructions
The first of the following tests tells: "how useful am I for the society, as a living person?". The second one answers the issue: "when (and how) am I going to die?". The last one is intended to fulfill a even deeper query: "what is it going to happen to me after my death?".
The three modules are projected to be performed in this order. Follow the simple instructions you'll be given and answer sincerely and carefully to the questions you'll be asked, if you want the verdicts to be consistent!
» The Socialclock (+ Social Usefulness Attestation) «
» The Deathclock (+ Death Certificate) N
[ Quick Death is the shorter, 7-question version ]
» The Destinyclock (+ Pass for the Netherworld) U
Note: the given answers are absolutely anonymous, and in no way might they be stored or distributed.
The three programs have been tested with Internet Explorer and Firefox; they might not work properly with other browsers.
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